A little light relief to lower the stress levels
A little girl at a wedding asked, “Mommy, why do brides always wear white?” The mom replied, “Because they’re happy, dear.”
Halfway through the wedding the girl whispered, “Mommy, if brides wear white because they’re happy, then why do men wear black?”
A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite. After unpacking, the husband took off his pants. “Put these on,” he said to his wife. She did and they were obviously much too large. “There’s no way I can wear these – they’re way too big,” she said. “Good! Now you know who wears the pants in this family,” replied the husband.
Flustered, the wife removed her panties, and handing them to her husband said, “Put these on.” The husband looked at the tiny panties and said, “There’s no way I can get into these.” To which the wife replied, “You’re darn right! At least not until you change your attitude!”
What’s the difference between in-laws and out-laws? Out-laws are wanted!
A young couple were married and then embarked on their honeymoon. When theyreturned, the bride ran to the phone and called her mother, who asked, “How was your honeymoon, dear?” “Oh, mama!” she replied, “The honeymoon was so wonderful and romantic…” But then, suddenly she burst out crying and said “but, mama, as soon as we returned home, he started using the most horrible language… things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home. Please mama!”
“Darling, darling,” her mother said, “calm down and tell me, what words could be so awful?” And, the daughter cried “please don’t make me tell you, mama! I’m so embarrassed – they’re just too awful! Just come and get me, please!”
“Oh, darling, you must tell me what has you so upset… tell me these horrible 4-letter words!” Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, mama… words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK…!”
A man will pay two-quid for a one-quid item he needs, but a woman will pay one-quid for a two-quid item that she doesn’t need.
A woman worries about her future until she finds a husband, but a man never worries about the future until he takes a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend, but a successful woman is one who can find such a man!!!
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
If your wife is shouting at the front door, and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. At least he’ll shut up after you let him in!
Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Three men were at a bar. Two of the men were discussing the control they had over their wives, while the third remained uninterested.
After a short while, the two men turned to the third and asked, “What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?” The third man turned to the first two and said, “Well, just the other day I had her on her knees!”
The two men were dumbfounded. “Wow that’s incredible! What happened next?” they asked. The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and grumbled, “Then she started screaming at me to get out from under the bed and fight like a man!”
If your wife laughs at your joke, it means you either have a good joke, or a good wife.
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God that she had a problem. “What’s the problem, Eve?” He responded. “Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I am still so lonely.” God replied, “I have a solution for you, Eve. I shall create a man to keep you company.”
Then Eve inquired, “What is a ‘man’, Lord?” God explained, “A man is a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego, and an inability to empathize or listen. All in all, he’ll make life more difficult, but, he will be bigger and more muscular than you, and therefore able to help out around the garden. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball around, and he will enjoy hunting fleet-footed ruminants.”
“Okay, if that’s the best you can do,” replied Eve. God chided “Yeah, well, he’ll be better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick! Now, you can only have him under one condition.” “What is it, Lord?” asked Eve. “You must let him believe that I created him first.”
One day while a wife was working in her kitchen, a cupboard door came loose and when her husband got home, she asked him to fix it. He told her, “Do you see the word ‘carpenter’ written anywhere on this shirt?” She said “no,” and he went on his way.
The next day while cleaning in the basement, she found the light didn’t work. She changed the light bulb and did everything that she could to try to fix it, but it still wouldn’t work. When her husband got home, she asked him, “Honey, do you think you could fix the light in the basement for me?” He simply said, “Do you see the word ‘electrician’ written anywhere on this shirt!” She said “No,” and he went into the living room to relax.
The next day, a pipe in the kitchen began leaking. When her husband got home, she asked him to fix it for her, to which he replied, “No, do you see the word ‘plumber’ written anywhere on my shirt?” “No,” she said, again.
The next day, the husband returned from work and saw that everything was fixed – the pipe, the light, and even the cupboard! He asked her, “Who fixed all of this?” To which she replied, “I asked the neighbor to come over and help, and he gladly agreed.”
“Well, how did you repay him for his services?” he asked. “Well,” she replied, “he only asked for sex, or cookies.” The husband thought a moment then said “So what kind of cookies did you bake him?” The wife quickly snapped back, “do you see ‘Betty Crocker’ written anywhere on this shirt!”
A man was called to duty to help in the Crusades and decided that while he was gone, his wife should wear a chastity belt. So he locked her up and gave the key to his best friend, and said, “If I’m not back in four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”
So, off the husband went on horseback, when a half-hour later he sees a cloud of dust in the distance behind him. As it came closer he could see his best friend galloping to catch up. “What’s wrong?” he asked his friend, who replied, “You fool! You gave me the wrong key!”
A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment had passed, they both managed to fall asleep – the woman on the top bunk, and the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leaned over the edge of the bunk and said, “I’m sorry to bother you, Sir, but I am terribly cold and was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?”
The man looked up with a glint in his eye and said, “I’ve got a better idea… why don’t we pretend we’re married?” “Why not?!” giggled the woman. “Good,” he replied. “Get your own damn blanket!”
One day a man came home to find his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asked her what she was doing and she said, “I went to the doctor today and he told me that I have the breasts of a 16-year-old girl!”
The husband replied, “Well, what did she say about your 75-year-old ass?”
To which she replied, “Honey, your name never came up!!!”
Why are married women heavier than single women? Because single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed, whereas married women come home, see what’s in the bed and go to the fridge!
A nagging old woman at a party walked up to a belligerent old man and told him, “If you were my husband I would poison your drink!” To which he replied, “If you were my wife I would drink it!”
What’s the difference between a wife and a mistress? About forty pounds! What’s the difference between a husband and a boyfriend? About forty minutes!
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her!!!
Two guys are moving about in a grocery store when their carts collide. One says to the other, “Excuse me, but I’m looking for my wife.” ”What a coincidence – so am I, and I’m getting a little desperate.” ”Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?” ”She’s tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight butt. What’s your wife look like?” ”Never mind, let’s look for yours!”
Humorous Marriage Quotes by Famous People:
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. – Gloria Steinem
Marriage is a lot like the army: everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at the large number that re-enlist. – James Garner
Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two major categories: 1. Not enough; 2. Too much. – Ann Landers
Both of my ex-wives closed their eyes when making love, because they didn’t want to see me having a good time. -Joseph Wambaugh
Basically, my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats. – Woody Allen
I told someone I was getting married, and they said, ‘Have you picked a date yet?’ I said, ‘Wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding?” What a country! – Yakov Smirnoff
Why can’t a woman be more like a man? – Alan Jay Lerner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. – Henny Youngman
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them. – Ogden Nash
I’m the only man who has a marriage license made out, ‘To Whom It May Concern.'” – Mickey Rooney
Quotes Courtesy of FeatureSource.com
Author Feature Source Staff
Valentine’s Day Quotes by Milton Berle
All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card – American Express.
I like to do things for my wife on Valentine’s Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
My son really has the spirit of Valentine’s Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.
My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, “Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul.??? That’s just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
On Valentine’s Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
She was nice to him on Valentine’s Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.
Valentine’s Day – a nice holiday because it’s the first day of the rest of your wife.
Valentine’s Day is like Armistice Day – you declare a truce.
Valentine’s Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.